dyin2live's Blog

I just had a totally random thing happen.  Here I am, surfing around on EP.  It's 12:30am where I am and I start hearing this noise... deep, slightly rhythmic...  what is that?

Seriously... a lawn mower??  It honestly sounds like a lawn mower!  At 12:30 AM??  

So I listened closer...stopped surfing, turned down the TV, and listened... the sound went on for at least 2 minutes, getting louder and louder.  I kept thinking maybe it was a motorcycle, but it still just sounded like a lawn mower.  ???  Color me totally confused--I had visions dancing in my head of those stories you hear about the guy that hops on his riding mower to make it to the bar so he wouldn't get nailed for drunk driving or the wife took his car keys to keep him home... LOL!!

Finally, the sound was almost at my house.  And finally I could identify the sound.  Was it a lawn mower?

?

?

?

?

?

?

?

Not in the least!  It was a helicopter!  I forgot we have them pass over our house on a regular basis ferrying patients back and forth between our hospital and hospitals in New Mexico... LMAO!!!

Okay, so I'm not the brightest crayon in the box.... 

I just saw the funniest commercial--it made me laugh out loud.

There's this cow walking through an office building late at night.  A man was working late at his desk and sees this cow walk by his office and just kinda stares in amazement.  You can just hear the voice in his head saying "I'm working WAY too hard"... LOL  The next scene the cow walks out of the main doors of this high-rise office building and moos at another cow that is waiting outside.  The final frame of the commercial pans up to see the office building the wandering bovine has just strolled through....

you see lights on inside the building....

They say "eat mor chikin"!!!!!    LMAO, that was NOT what I expected and it was so funny!!!!

We just found out yesterday that my daughter is bipolar-type-2 like me.  She had written a note to a friend at school that made it sound like she wanted to harm herself, so I get this surprise phone call from the school early afternoon.  I was prepared for her to be in trouble--I was not prepared for what I heard the counselor read to me.  I broke down crying and I haven't stopped since, except for short bursts when I can manage to get it together.

My meds are not in full effect yet, so I was already in a fragile state.  PMS on top of bipolar that is barely medicated is not a good thing.

But to hear the thoughts from my head being read back to me from my sweet daughter's note...  that destroyed me. 

I talked to our friends last night.  Nobody told me she was in trouble because nobody knew how to approach me without upsetting me or having me go off on them since I was so unstable myself.  So nobody said anything.  Not when she talked about wanting to cut, not when she exhibited manic symptoms of being unable to control herself, not when she was depressed.  They all talked to each other but nobody came to me and my husband.  Not even our church leaders who are supposed to be helping to take care of us.  I am trying to be understanding of all of this--after all, I wouldn't have wanted to approach me either if I were them.  But she has gotten so bad... 

I am sincerely afraid she will follow through with her threats and start really harming herself.  She already gave herself a friction burn on her arm at her fathers' house this past weekend and tried to tell us it was a bug bite that she scratched.  Bugs?  In Texas?  okay, yeah...but not in thirty and forty degree weather.

I am so afraid.

and I am ashamed of the way both of us have acted.

and I am embarrassed.

and I am upset and hurt.

and I am petrified that we will not be able to save her.

It was probably a huge mistake, but I braved Walmart today...

on Christmas Eve, of all days...

I had to have completely lost my mind!  

LOL  

Usually I only blog when I have to get something out, but this time I thought I would try a positive blog!  LOL

The hubby and I wrapped Christmas presents last night--a tiring task to be sure, but a fun one just the same.  I had been very worried that the kids' Christmas would suffer this year, but thanks to several blessings from God this month they will have a good time tomorrow opening up their gifts.  We put all of them under the tree (except for the Santa gifts, of course...those will appear in the morning) and they were so happy and excited to see all those wrapped presents under the tree this morning.  It was like "Christmas morning--the preview" in my house this morning!  LOL  

My anticipation is growing, too...which is a good thing since I have had a real problem getting into the Christmas mood this month so far.  We have our Christmas candlelight service tonight at church and that is my favorite service of the whole year, and hopefully I will get to see some friends as well.  I can feel some of my social anxieties coming back (since I am in the middle of switching meds), but I am working very hard to keep those at bay and ignore them...tonight and tomorrow are not a time for my demons to show themselves.  It is time for them to give me a break and let me enjoy the holiday.

My kids have to go with their dad tomorrow, but not until later in the evening so I get a full Christmas Day with them.  He is keeping them for a week, which is a stark improvement over how long he used to keep them over breaks--funny how when I was having to pay for daycare he never took them over the breaks but now that I'm home he takes them for longer times.  Oh well, I suppose I can chalk that up to the fact that there were very good reasons I divorced him.  LOL  Anyway, since he is keeping them for a week I actually get a New Year's Eve off from having the kids!  Wow!  First one in years where I haven't had to keep up with the kids while I was trying to bring in the New Year...  I love my kids, but everyone wishes for at least a small break once in a while...  LOL  They will come home to a refreshed mom, ready to start the school year schedule all over again.

Today is a good day.  And I am glad for it.

I feel like I am being followed....

I just wrote a blog and then as soon as I tried to post it IE gave me that "you are not connected to the internet" screen and the blog was lost... ugh!  That's mildly frustrating. 

Of course, maybe that is my signal to say that most of that blog didn't need to be posted for some reason.

let me just say that now matter how much I love the holidays, I wish I could have more family around me for them rather than it just be the five of us.  I feel like somehow I am cheating my kids out of an important childhood experience.

and I really miss my dad.

The good news is that the new shrink called me Friday and offerred me an appointment on Monday.  That was such a relief, to hear from them so soon and to not have to wait until February.

The worrisome part to me is that I am now afraid of what they will do.  I have gone back on the Abilify and am feeling good.  My friends that are still talking to me tell me that they can tell a difference--that I am happier, less moody.  I like being this way.  I like being likeable.  I am afraid that since it messed with my liver that they will pull me off it and try something else.  Yes, I know--this is what I wanted, but now that I think about what that could mean it scares the hell out of me.  What if it doesn't work?  What if it leaves me in worse shape than I am without meds alone?  What kind of damage will I do to the people around me, to myself??

sigh.

I am starting to feel human again...  at least, mostly.  My meds are kicking in and I am smiling and laughing again.  But there is something missing this time.  One of my dearest friends IRL is still not talking to me after I blew up at them this past Sunday and that really bothers me.  I feel horribly guilty for losing my temper the way I did, and over an innocent joke (at the same time, I still stand by the idea that a person should never say a girl is fat...)  I wish there was something I could do to fix this; I feel like I have lost something major in this relationship.  Unfortunately all I can do is apologize and then the ball is in their court.  So I wait.  with baited breath, I wait to see if they will let me in again.  I know I have damaged their trust in me and that is the worst feeling in the world.  I hate this illness for all it is costing me.  I hate what I am and who I am when I am in the grip of this monster that resides in my head.  And I hate that this friend just cannot seem to "get" that I have a mental illness that I am not in control of when I am not on meds, and that I had very little control over my blowup on Sunday.  I am not saying that my illness is an excuse, but it would be nice if there were some compassion or a try at understanding coming my way from them.  But they just refuse to try to be compassionate about it...I do not know if that is just how angry they are or if they truly are incapable of being compassionate towards me dealing with my own brain rebelling against me.  They have plenty of compassion for others with obvious disabilities, so why not me?  Or maybe it's because we were so close and they trusted me so much that when I damaged that trust I damaged something within them...  I don't know. 

I do know in my waiting I am probably over-thinking and over-analyzing all of this.  It is probably just a simple matter of: they are mad and I need to let them cool off.  But that is my nature; to over-think, to analyze everything.  I would say I should have been a shrink but it would be pretty bad for a shrink to be bipolar herself, huh?  lol 

So anyway other than dealing with my friend being so distant...my much-loved, very dear friend... I am feeling almost human again.  At least I do not want the world to end like I did earlier this week.  I very nearly ended my world earlier this week...I was very close again.  It should have scared me how close I got and how fast I got there, but I was past the scared stage and into the numb stage, almost to action itself.  I just know I cannot keep fighting this illness day in, and day out...not without meds, not the way I was trying to deal with it.

So now I am back on my meds just hoping I am not destroying my liver while I take them, since they think the meds caused my inflamed liver a couple weeks ago.  It is a waiting game.  I have an appointment to go see a new shrink...but she can't get me in until February.  I will run out of meds before then, so I will have to figure out what to do to keep myself on this side of good.  Maybe once they are in my system good I can take them every other day and still have them be effective.  Anyway, I am on a cancellation list with this doctor so hopefully with the holidays approaching someone will decide they don't want to see her or can't see her and I will get an opening before February's appointment.  I need to get in to see her soon, so I do not have another episode.

Another episode will kill me.  Very surely, I know it down to my bones--I will not be able to survive another episode like this last week.

I have a month's worth of pills to take, and over a month and a half until my appointment...  please pray something opens up at this new doc's office before then... I'm going to need it if God wants to keep me here and doesn't want an early arrival at St Peter's gates...

I know many of you have tried to help me...have tried to be my friend.  I want to thank each of you for trying.  I am a hard person to be friends with, and for that I am sorry. 

I can remember a time in my life when I was easy to get along with.  I can remember a time of innocence when people really did like to be around me, and really did like who I was.  That time has passed for me it seems.  I am hard now.  The hurts of my life have hardened my walls to a point I never thought possible.  The reality of who I am deep down cuts me to the quick, and I cannot fathom subjecting anyone else to this person I have become.

I am sinking very quickly now.  I go to bed each night wishing for the sun not to rise the next morning and I know it will not be long before I find a way to fade away completely.  I look at my children and all I can think of is how I am damaging them...how my continued existence is only setting the worst of examples for them.  I look at my husband and know deep in my heart that he didn't sign up for this, and should not have to live the rest of his life worrying about someone like me.  I look at my friends and what I drag them through on almost a daily basis now and realize that they deserve so much better than what I can offer them.  I love them all very deeply, and my love for them has made me realize they do not deserve to have to deal with me and my issues. 

I do not know why God made me broken, but I am broken and I am beginning to see that I will never be fixed again.  it is not fair of me to ask anyone else to walk this path with me; not here on EP and not in real life.  I can feel the tug of the darker thoughts I have fought to avoid for so long...the lure of knowing that there really is a way out of all of this.  The call of the nothingness is so sweet sounding.  To know it will not take much and I could just fade away...and everyone around me could go on with happier lives.  It wouldn't take much at all to make them all happy.  I just have to remove that which upsets them.

I am fading.

So here I go again...down this same rocky path I was on months ago.

I felt good on the Abilify, even when I did not take it every day.  But it was wrecking my liver, so now I can't take it.  I am not on anything...and in the past three days I have cratered faster than I did the last time around.

I want the world to stop again.  I want to go to sleep and have the sun never rise again.  I want to stop fighting these battles.  I am so tired.  I am so weary, all the way through...right to the bone. 

My personal relationships are crumbling again.  I am battling to do the right thing, say the right thing, be the right way... no matter what I do it is wrong.  It is all just...wrong.  I am wrong.  I am broken.  into a million tiny pieces, I am broken and I do not think there is anything out there that can fix me now.  That which can fix me will kill me.  Or I can just stay this way and end up dying anyway because those are the thoughts I am having again... 

i just need it all to go away.  i need it to stop.  now.

The good news is I feel much better today.  :)

Friday morning, first thing I went back to the Dr. again for more bloodwork.  I was beginning to feel like a pincushion for all the sticks and pokes they'd given me.  They had wanted to hook me up to an IV again and I basically refused... my stomach had settled enough that I felt I could just drink the liquid I needed.  AND there wasn't a vein left on my arms or hands that they hadn't blown or already used.  AND I was sick of being a pincushion! 

Once I got the lab slip from the nurse I saw what the doctor was writing as a diagnosis and her treatment methods suddenly made sense:  I had another case of acute pancreatitis.  Only this time, it was made more complicated by the inflammation of my liver which did not happen to me the first time I had pancreatitis several years ago.  Being NPO (no food allowed) for day after day suddenly made sense, as did the IV's.  I suddenly understood just how close she was to putting me in the hospital on Wednesday, and I now believe had I gone in to the ER when I was in pain early Wednesday morning I would have been in the hospital whether I liked it or not.  Anyway, the doctors' office closes at noon on Fridays so they told me they would let me know by noon what my lab results were and if I could eat over the weekend, or if I'd still be NPO.  I hoped and prayed and did everything I could to keep my mind off food.  I went and ran errands, I came home and did housework, I called the Dr's office a couple of times to check and see if my labs came in...  I finally get a call at noon and all the nurse said was "you can eat!" 

YAY!!!  Sweet dietary freedom!!!

well, sorta...

I'm restricted to a bland diet, but as bad as that sounds I have been there before so I know how to get around the "bland" part and still have enjoyable food.  It's not my favorites of Italian or Mexican, but it's still nice.  The very first thing I did was fix myself some french toast without the cinnamon or nutmeg (but with the vanilla!!) and oh, how that tasted so good!  I had to remind myself not to pig out too fast because I hadn't eaten all week long between when I was originally sick Monday and Tuesday and when I had to go NPO for the rest of the week.  You never really think about what you eat and truly enjoying it until you're told you can't do it anymore...then when the fast is broken, it's like you've been set free from a prison somehow.  LOL  Okay, so maybe that seems a little dramatic but still the absolute relief of being able to put food in my mouth and being able to curb the hunger pangs is a pretty big emotion all by itself.  :D

So today I spent the day with the family doing family things, and enjoying my meals with them.  I am working on keeping myself hydrated and am drinking more water than Dr. Pepper for once.  LOL  I am feeling very grateful that I am feeling well, and am relishing every minute of it.  I thank God for my health today, and I thank Him that things were not any worse this week for me.  I am told that what I had wrong with me could very easily have been fatal.  I have often wished to not have to play this game any more, and I have occassionally been attracted to some very dark planning in my own head, but when confronted with the actual possibility that I could have died had it been worse I do know that I am not ready to give up on this game just yet.  I still feel I can win at least part of it.  :)  So for today, I am grateful for my health and for everything that it means.

love to you all,
D2L

Well I spent another afternoon at the Dr.  My liver count is better, as are my amilaise and lypaise counts. I am still not allowed to eat but I can now have a gatorade slushie!  Whoo-hoo!  LOL 

They think my abilify caused the inflammation, so I am off my meds now until I go see the psychiatrist in December (I just talked to him and that is okay with him too)  I am feeling pretty stable right now, so I am not thinking I will have any real dangerous times while I am off my meds.  We will see, I guess... 

On the bright side, I feel better than I have in several days.  I just wish I could eat!  My kitchen is calling!  LOL

I had a very bad night last night... very painful from 3am, on to about 9am.  I felt like someone was ripping out the very middle of me...oh it hurt!  On the doc's pain scale, I scaled it at a 9.  Anyway, I went to the doc today thinking it might be my pancreas again as I have had issues with that before.

They did the bloodwork for my pancreas.  It came back.

Lypase they're still waiting on.  Amylaise was high.  And my liver enzymes were through the roof! 

What--wait a sec.  My liver???  Are you sure?

Yeppers... in August my liver enzymes (or whatever) were at an 11.  Now they are somewhere above 480.  Something has my liver totally inflamed.

I am so afraid right now.  It could be a hepatitis.  It could be liver disease.  It could be my medication.  It could be cirrhosis (sp?).  It could be that they screwed up something in my gallbladder surgery and there is a blockage now.

I have to leave for a sonogram of my liver and pancreas shortly.  That will tell the doctor more.

Please pray for me.

UPDATE:  They didn't find any blockages in the sonogram.  That is both good news and bad news at the same time.   The good news is, there are no blockages to cause any issues for me in the future.  The bad news, they don't know what's causing this issue.

I have been instructed by the doctor to remain in a fast until my appointment at noon tomorrow.  All I can have is ice chips.  They will retest my blood levels then to see if my liver enzymes fall at all.

I am so afraid of what this could mean.