better days | dyin2live's Blog

I am starting to feel human again...  at least, mostly.  My meds are kicking in and I am smiling and laughing again.  But there is something missing this time.  One of my dearest friends IRL is still not talking to me after I blew up at them this past Sunday and that really bothers me.  I feel horribly guilty for losing my temper the way I did, and over an innocent joke (at the same time, I still stand by the idea that a person should never say a girl is fat...)  I wish there was something I could do to fix this; I feel like I have lost something major in this relationship.  Unfortunately all I can do is apologize and then the ball is in their court.  So I wait.  with baited breath, I wait to see if they will let me in again.  I know I have damaged their trust in me and that is the worst feeling in the world.  I hate this illness for all it is costing me.  I hate what I am and who I am when I am in the grip of this monster that resides in my head.  And I hate that this friend just cannot seem to "get" that I have a mental illness that I am not in control of when I am not on meds, and that I had very little control over my blowup on Sunday.  I am not saying that my illness is an excuse, but it would be nice if there were some compassion or a try at understanding coming my way from them.  But they just refuse to try to be compassionate about it...I do not know if that is just how angry they are or if they truly are incapable of being compassionate towards me dealing with my own brain rebelling against me.  They have plenty of compassion for others with obvious disabilities, so why not me?  Or maybe it's because we were so close and they trusted me so much that when I damaged that trust I damaged something within them...  I don't know. 

I do know in my waiting I am probably over-thinking and over-analyzing all of this.  It is probably just a simple matter of: they are mad and I need to let them cool off.  But that is my nature; to over-think, to analyze everything.  I would say I should have been a shrink but it would be pretty bad for a shrink to be bipolar herself, huh?  lol 

So anyway other than dealing with my friend being so distant...my much-loved, very dear friend... I am feeling almost human again.  At least I do not want the world to end like I did earlier this week.  I very nearly ended my world earlier this week...I was very close again.  It should have scared me how close I got and how fast I got there, but I was past the scared stage and into the numb stage, almost to action itself.  I just know I cannot keep fighting this illness day in, and day out...not without meds, not the way I was trying to deal with it.

So now I am back on my meds just hoping I am not destroying my liver while I take them, since they think the meds caused my inflamed liver a couple weeks ago.  It is a waiting game.  I have an appointment to go see a new shrink...but she can't get me in until February.  I will run out of meds before then, so I will have to figure out what to do to keep myself on this side of good.  Maybe once they are in my system good I can take them every other day and still have them be effective.  Anyway, I am on a cancellation list with this doctor so hopefully with the holidays approaching someone will decide they don't want to see her or can't see her and I will get an opening before February's appointment.  I need to get in to see her soon, so I do not have another episode.

Another episode will kill me.  Very surely, I know it down to my bones--I will not be able to survive another episode like this last week.

I have a month's worth of pills to take, and over a month and a half until my appointment...  please pray something opens up at this new doc's office before then... I'm going to need it if God wants to keep me here and doesn't want an early arrival at St Peter's gates...