fading | dyin2live's Blog

I know many of you have tried to help me...have tried to be my friend.  I want to thank each of you for trying.  I am a hard person to be friends with, and for that I am sorry. 

I can remember a time in my life when I was easy to get along with.  I can remember a time of innocence when people really did like to be around me, and really did like who I was.  That time has passed for me it seems.  I am hard now.  The hurts of my life have hardened my walls to a point I never thought possible.  The reality of who I am deep down cuts me to the quick, and I cannot fathom subjecting anyone else to this person I have become.

I am sinking very quickly now.  I go to bed each night wishing for the sun not to rise the next morning and I know it will not be long before I find a way to fade away completely.  I look at my children and all I can think of is how I am damaging them...how my continued existence is only setting the worst of examples for them.  I look at my husband and know deep in my heart that he didn't sign up for this, and should not have to live the rest of his life worrying about someone like me.  I look at my friends and what I drag them through on almost a daily basis now and realize that they deserve so much better than what I can offer them.  I love them all very deeply, and my love for them has made me realize they do not deserve to have to deal with me and my issues. 

I do not know why God made me broken, but I am broken and I am beginning to see that I will never be fixed again.  it is not fair of me to ask anyone else to walk this path with me; not here on EP and not in real life.  I can feel the tug of the darker thoughts I have fought to avoid for so long...the lure of knowing that there really is a way out of all of this.  The call of the nothingness is so sweet sounding.  To know it will not take much and I could just fade away...and everyone around me could go on with happier lives.  It wouldn't take much at all to make them all happy.  I just have to remove that which upsets them.

I am fading.