this probably won't make sense | dyin2live's Blog

mostly because I am not quite ready to post the entire story yet, but I just had to put this down...

Today has been a very hard day.  As a matter of fact, this week, these past months, this year so far has had more than it's fair share of trials for me.  And I only post stories for part of it all here.

Anyway, tonight the hubby and I were burning off some scrap wood in the burn pit we have dug in the back yard.  The day started off hot, but when we got out there a storm was blowing in from the North and I could just feel the temperature dropping.  As we worked the clouds overtook the skies above us until the storm was right on top of us.  There was a bunch of lightning too so we sent the kids in, but we had to stay out with the fire.  The raindrops started falling slowly, but they were the big fat kind of drops.  After the day I have had, feeling the cold rain falling down on me compared to feeling the heat from the fire on my face was such a wonderful feeling.  It surprised me that it actually had a calming effect on me, like it was somehow stirring a memory deep within that only my body remembers experiencing, and not my mind.  We stayed out there tending the fire and feeling the rain for at least ten or fifteen more minutes, lightning splitting the skies to our north, thunder rumbling through us (nothing too close).  The rain started to soak my T-shirt and jeans but I didn't care--it just felt good.  When the winds started to kick up too bad and whip the flames around (even though it was in a depressed burn pit) we decided we'd better put out the fire and go inside...we turned on the hose and doused the embers before we went in.  I was almost sad to feel the heat from the fire leave as it was getting quite cool out with the rain and clouds.  And I was a little sad to go inside my house--I wanted to stay out there in that soft, calming, cool rain.  Somehow I knew in that moment that things were okay, even if just in that one small moment and no other time.

As I sit here on the couch with the laptop on my legs, I can hear another rain shower creating little patterns of stacatto on my roof and on the windows... I can even here it hitting the metal on the chimney guard.  The sound of the rain is such a soothing sound...such a stark contrast to what my life has become these past months.  Such a stark contrast to what I have become these past months...it is peaceful, timeless...it is washing away all the dust and dirt and ick and leaving a new, clean surface for the sun to shine on tomorrow.  Oh how I wish I could wash my life clean so easily...

Yes, I am a Christian.  Yes, I know all I have to do is hit my knees.  But while God may forgive me freely because of His infinite grace, I am not sure i can forgive myself for the way I have been.  And I am fairly certain that there are those around me IRL that will not be able to forgive me either.  but that will be saved for if/when I write the story itself.

This blog is about the rain... how wonderful and calming this rain has been to me today.  how sweet a sound it is to my soul.  It makes me want to go outside and just stand in it, even though it is almost 1am...just to be washed clean for a little while.  Just to feel God's peace rain down on me and cover me....

Please pray for me.  Pray for more rain in my life, and fewer storms.