feeling odd | dyin2live's Blog

I am in a very odd place right now it seems.  I spend almost all of my time alone now.  The only human contact I have during the day is online, and even then it is sporatic at best.  The kids are gone with their father--they have been gone five days already and will be gone for two more weeks.  It is so quiet in my house.  Before they left all I could wish for was time alone...and now, I do not regret the time alone but I feel as if I could disappear and nobody would notice.  It's not the dramatic, woe-is-me feeling I get when my depression is at it's worst...I'm not Sarah Burnheart or anything... lol.  It's just the simple knowledge that if I keeled over in my house tomorrow morning, nobody would know something was wrong until my husband came home from working out of town until Sunday night.  48 hours that would pass in the world and nobody would know or be concerned about my little world.  I miss being around my friends, but they all have their own lives to live without me being a third wheel, and the odd part about all of this is that I am not sad and crying about it like I normally would be.  I am not quite okay with it, but I'm not destroyed by it either.  I am just...  numb?  flat?  *sigh* I can't find the word to describe it so that will have to suffice. 

I have lots of things to do here in the house and in my yard, and I have been puttering around doing a little here and a little there, but I find I completely lack any true desire to put my nose to the grindstone, so to speak.  I have no desire to put any real effort into doing anything except sit here and watch TV and snack my way through the day.  It makes no difference if I make myself a meal or not--it won't bring world peace.  It makes no difference if I get my vacuum cleaner out of the shop and clean my house until it sparkles--it won't fix the ozone layer hole or stop global warming... I am small, inconsequential... but that knowledge no longer tears me up like it once did.

like I said, I'm in an odd place...